some days

especially after a good clinical session, i'm on cloud9. venepuncture with a vaccutainer in under 90s? check! OSCEs in two weeks and i can't wait to start clinicals in september. i'm bursting with enthusiasm, overwhelmed with gratitude and so so happy to be en route to becoming a doctor. finally! medicine tickles my brain in a way nothing has before, and i find myself subconsciously mulling over strange names and stranger viruses.

and other days, i want to be a stay-at-home mum. granted i need a kid to qualify and uh they're not on the agenda for awhile. in fact, i'd a nightmare last night when i told a recently preggers friend what i really thought. which i think makes me a horrible person because in real life i acted thrilled for her and, well, happy she's in a place where she's ready for a family. but then in my dream, i told her i felt really sorry for her for being saddled with child so young and how she'll never get to enjoy being a wife without being a mother. and then i asked if it was unplanned because they're religious. and then i woke up and was all like, "why am i so mean?!" so i wonder if i'm secretly envious, if that's secretly what i want and it manifests in some strange way where i'm hating on some innocent pregnant woman. then i think about how i am already having trouble keeping my poor potted basil plant alive (we are on v5 in as many months) and how i like being footloose and fancy free, i like having a comfortable disposable income (thanks mister!) and how i don't like / want children enough to have my own at this point.

SO.

i mean why have a kid now and take time off at my own expense when i can get 6 months maternity leave from the n*hs in a few years.

maybe it's just the imminent exams talking. was chatting with G today (she's got 5 kids...) and she said her exam-time fantasy is to stay home and grow vegetables while tending to chickens. point being, when having kids no longer seems to be a viable "out", something else will inevitably take its place.