wengen

in my final semester of lawsch, i took a "take home" final exam to danang, vietnam to complete at a friend's birthday party. definitely one of my (few) proud moments, although the prof for that module was unimpressed by my lack of self-control. note to self: don't post gloaty holiday photos when you're in the middle of a 72h take home, at least not without restricting the audience first. but if i hadn't gone to danang, i'd never have met S who has become a dear friend over the years. visited her at her home near luzern a couple of christmases ago, she's come for tea at mine in london while looking at universities for her daughter and more recently, has been very generously extending an open invitation to her home in the mountains. 

jumped at the chance to escape the big smoke yet again and didn't need to have my rubber arm twisted. her cabin is in wengen, car-free and accessible only by cogwheel train (!!!). bonus - i love trains and even more so when i'm not on godawful virgineastcoast up and down the country. as luck would have it, found a weekend other friends (puerto rican lawyers based in NYC and their college-aged sons) from the same danang party (all connected through E&P our danang bday hosts) were going to be visiting and made a pre-party of it. was resigned to massive FOMO because they were pre-gaming prior to E's 60th birthday extravaganza in berlin which i very sadly couldn't attend because, well, work. but hey, a bonus weekend in the alps? sign me up.

the alpine cabin was what it said on the tin and when i told another friend of my weekend plans, he got very excited and thought it would be all bond baddie alpine lair stylez a la blofeld's lair from on her majesty's secret service with hot chickies in lycra. uh, think again. gimme S' swiss hospitality anytime :)

spent two glorious days walking in the mountains. S and her husband knew the paths like the back of their hands, walking in summer, skiing in winter and it was like living in a technicolour ricola advertisement, if you get what i mean. was feeling incredibly smug about my pseudo-mountaineering ability at 18 weeks gestation until i suspected they'd probably picked the easiest walks for us to do.

M would wake early and procure us fresh yoghurt, bread and cheese from the lone grocer. breakfast was a simple yet hearty affair and i could eat it forever and ever. the milk! the glorious fat in it! the butter! all the dairy products my lactose-intolerant constitution could stomach!

S even had the brainwave of doing a hot chocolate blind tasting! so we'd plenty of energy to use against gravity on the mountains.

alas i might've underestimated the summer sunshine and ended up lobster red. silly :( also missed my flight from zurich to london because of sunday traffic. but hey who's really complaining about an extra night in switzerland? had redeemed BA miles for the flight anyhow so took the first flight out monday morning and made it to the ward in time to prep for ward round. never mind it was walk of shame-ish cos i had to be gross and wear the same clothes i'd left the ward in on friday cos i'd gone straight to heathrow after work.  #winning

hello and goodbye

so before i left for medsch, had a little farewell party with friends. it felt only right to invite the friends who'd seen me through five years of medsch, and the new friends made along the way, to celebrate finally being done with uni v2. my incredibly talented and generous friend W kindly contributed the most beautiful cake. vanilla buttercream with seville orange curd which was almost too pretty to eat.

organised tables, chairs and a few vendors who were absolute crowd pleasers :)

it was great to seee everyone again and also sad in a way that i'll be london based for at least two more years.

celebratory waterfall

found out i was a doctor in the morning and celebrated with a walk to the waterfall. figured why not and if i was late back for grad ball and the crisis management driving lesson so be it. in my joy and jubilation i also managed to leave my coat behind haha so guess which newly minted dr was shivering her timbers in the highlands... pride before fall!

slow drive back through berwick and wanted to stop at our trainspotting stretch for some choo choos but was already cutting things fine. although jacket potatoes at the antique cafe were worth being potentially late for.

sort of grad trip

if it can even be called that. hadn't been feeling well the whole month of finals and wasn't sure if i'd pass. was keen for escapism but uncertain about flying, much less going to an unfamiliar place and ending up in a&e. so a road trip was the sensible option and the poor friend i arm twisted into letting me gatecrash said roadtrip very kindly rang ahead and plotted all the walk-in centres and A&Es we'd pass en route. to say it was an epic drive is an understatement and i'm a pain to be with for extended periods of time. drove to oban via glasgow then took the ferry to mull where we'd two nights before another series of car ferries to skye. 

won't lie - was in a funny state of mind on the trip. strange mix of anger, frustration, fear (of failing) and my coping mechanisms are far from developed so escapism was the way to go. did feel better as the trip progressed, although again massive props to long suffering friend who'd to put up with my need for constant wee stops (must've fertilised half of the highlands), mandatory afternoon nap (would just fall asleep mid conversation and that would be the end of it) and general grumpiness at being hangry or motion / sea sick on top of sick sick. 

there was also the little issue of my visa that saw us stuck for over 3h at a not so nice part of glasgow. i was hypoglycaemic after not eating and they kept me in past closing because their computers weren't working .it was literally me and the cleaner left in almost complete darkness cos all the lights had gone off. phone was almost outta juice and friend had gone on a wander but dutifully back after under an hour in case i was done (fat hope) so it was just a really awkward 2h where i couldn't leave the building nor communicate. did get the visa at the end of it all but by which time it was too late to head home. ended up somewhere nice because, well, results were going to be out at 9am and i wanted to be in a position to celebrate, or drown my sorrows, whichever the case may be. 

kept waking up in the middle of the night and my study group whatsapp was pinging with our alternative careers should things not go according to plan. but at 9am, the 8 days of misery then distraction came to an end and i celebrated with jubilant facetimes to family from the lobby then glasses of grapefruit juice because i was too cheap to spring for champagne. 

have a photodump coming in the next few days so check back if you'd like to see more highland photos and travelogue.

as the dust settles

it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks, to say the least. went on a last minute road trip post-exams because eight days of rocking back and forth in a padded cell was more than i could subject my mental health to, went to glasgow (!!!) to get my visa sorted and found out the next morning that i'd passed finals. the shock, the relief, the overwhelming joy. then it was back to toon for grad ball, a 'crisis management' driving lesson and then my driving test bright and early the next morning. passed that too, and felt like a rockstar. yes, been driving since i was 18 but was lazy and got an automatic licence in sg so thought it high time i grew up and learnt how to drive manual. which i did. so there!

was in singers for a couple of weeks then back to london. parents came up for grad and it was busy busy, with a short trip to the country after. funny story there - father had said we were going to the cotswolds before realising it was a 3h drive from london. he made the executive decision that a 45min drive was sufficiently heroic and we ended up at cliveden*house near maidenhead. beautiful setting, set in the national trust so lots of lovely grounds and walks. didn't have the heart to tell him that we could've just stayed in london and slept at mine, seeing how we remained so close to the city.

parents left and i pottered around the flat before deciding i needed a final fling before starting work (tomorrow!) and escaped north as i'm wont to do. lazy weekend with 12h zz, good food and good company, the perfect end to this five year sabbatical.

so i start work tomorrow and am more than a little apprehensive today. the responsibility! this is my career we're talking about! i'm working again (gulp) but the other part of me is thinking that this is about time, that this end point / starting point is what i've been inching towards for the last five years. and now i'm finally here, i should really be more positive.

thoughts on finals

writing this on a rainy saturday morning at the end of easter break. exactly 2 months till my last exam. wanted to stop and take stock of medsch so far, of five years of my 20s that went by in the blink of an eye. thinking back to when i first romanced the idea of medicine as a second degree (while driving around tuscany with then manfriend / now mister on my grad trip) and realise how crazy it was to dive into another professional degree after finishing one. but really, the seed was maybe planted two years earlier when the mister was in belgium on exchange and i'd gone to visit him but got banished during his exams to dublin to stay with my cousin, who was then doing medicine as a graduate. meeting her and her engaging, articulate grad med friends who struck me as well-rounded and brimming with emotional depth make me think about the viability (and benefit!) of doing medicine in uni v2. so wanting something is really different from actually putting in the hard work to get it. and i'm constantly reminded of how good God is, from taking medsch entrance exams at the same time as my bar exam, to interviewing just before starting pupillage and to later find out mid-trial that i'd been accepted (and the defense soon capitulated, so it was mega wins all round!)

medsch itself has been a wonderful 'pause' button on life and its accompanying responsibilities in one's 20s. grateful for the time out, for what i joke is my 'five year sabbatical' before rejoining the workforce. have the horrible tendency to gloss over the bad (and why waste precious time and energy dwelling on the negative) but there were low points, like when the state of arrested development got to me (typically every birthday!) and my former colleagues were all climbing the legal practice ladder and becoming senior associates, junior partners and more laterly, partners!) and how my friends who'd gone straight into undergrad medicine were regs and soon-to-be consultants. or how many of the doctors who've been saddled with me in clinical years are younger than me but yay for azn looks and unless i'm wearing my wedding band, no one clocks that i'm maybe old enough to be their mother. 

feel the undergrad medical course could easily be telescoped into 3.5 years but is deliberately prolonged for extra tuition fees and to give the younglings time to grow up. after all, not many 21 year olds would be good doctors. i defo wouldn't trust my 21 year old self to be a doctor. wish i could've done the accelerator course but alas, non-EU = ineligible. in a way the 5 year course is relaxed, wayy too much time off and hm i got to do other stuff so no real complaints, apart from this desire to get on with it and maybe get going on a career. with the way things are looking in the UK (yuck) and their increasingly protectionist measures (latest: hiring scores of foreign doctors but not allowing UK trained foreign doctors like me to remain... uh, why???) i'm not sure where i'll end up. it depends on the mister, where the wind blows him for work, and ultimately what i want to do (still don't know! please don't ask me what i want to specialise in!) oscillate between wanting to be a hospital consultant and doing some uber niche medicolegal thing where the arena is less crowded and i won't waste 5 years of legal training. then another part of me wants to be an itinerant earth mother home-schooling my photogenic brood who moves home every few months (years?) oh my poor imaginary gypsy family! 

that's all far away, and for now the task at hand is plainly simple. revise, pass finals then re-assess. in a way the next two years are sorted (hellooo junior-doctor-dom in north*west*thames!) and if things go according to plan, i've accidentally got a break coming up pretty soon after starting work haha. at this point, i'm so near the finish line now it's time to stop being bored (attention span is way too short, can't sit still and study for more than half an hour, want to be on the internets or out and about!) give it one last push when i've never really pushed before. always felt we'd ample time and practice for exams then need to remind myself it's a course designed for undergraduates, for children unable to time-manage because i've a 6 year life headstart on most of them that comes with 6 more years of exam experience. then again, going from wonderful law exams (loved studying law, loved exams! such fun!) to re-training my brain to pick up all this science, and drug mechanisms and body systems etc. wish it were more a transferable skill but alas it's starting from scratch and creating a brand new schema. have gotten by on embarrassingly little so far, so much so i was a little too close to the wire but lived to tell the tale. only discovered textbooks this year (oh the shame, i blame over-reliance on excellent seniors' notes through lawsch) to which my father sniffed, "better late than never". he's great, constantly telling people in the lift "i'm amazed she's not failed yet". well, so am i! the whole intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation to study is a real struggle. should want to know more medicine so i'll be a good doctor and good for patients, but it's fear of failure that's driven me to work thus far!

my confidence took a beating earlier this year, a combination of meeting exacting consultants who didn't mince their words (and they were right!) and being overwhelmed by irrational finals fear. it all got too much and i ran away to NYC (trigger: anxiety / counter-productive coping mechanism: horriday) where i hung out with A who was a surgeon then realised it wasn't for her and went to oil&gas and is now a management consultant. and she's the loveliest creature ever and she talked sense into me, saying how she too was exhausted of having to explain why she's 'dr' (actually 'miss') to people because her life about-turn happened so many years ago, it's old news. she too faced the same confidence issue, where she used to be uber confident because she was a terrific surgeon but having to start at the bottom of a new industry, knowing nothing, really knocked her for six. and i realised that's how i felt too! which was encouraging because she promised that given time, i'd build confidence in this new arena and would be synergistic by the time i bridged newfound confidence with latent confidence. fingers crossed! still waiting for that to happen :)

whenever the finals anxiety hits, i try to remind myself it's a numbers game. that being older / more mature / responsible, fortunate not having to work part-time while studying already puts me at an advantage. so the game plan for now is head down and chip away at the mammoth mountain. to be systematic and efficient (because there's no time!) to study smart, to retain information, not to do conscience-assuaging revision where i re-read what i already know to massage my ego... part of me thinks there's plenty of time, having really only needed a couple of days before each preceding end-of-year exam. this will be a walk in the park, they want to pass me, right? cf membership exams where they want to fail me :/  

only two months to go, will be over in no time and then helloo grad trip #2! 

edit 16 june 2016: found out today that i passed finals. thank God.

bank holiday border crossing

in a perfect world, i'd live in scotland. can't explain my fascination with the place, or maybe i can. love being just a hop away from the border and almost never turn down an invitation north. there's something about the rugged landscape that just draws me in. i feel i could get lost but would still be safe, if that makes any sense at all. i like the blunt nature of the people, how what you see is what you get, no veneers. it's a directness and an honesty i've come to appreciate and i'm sad that i'll soon be too far south for a day trip. the walks are great, fish and chips at berwick always make my day and zooming through the country is my perfect panacea.

tapas

went to a little hidden spanish place with back garden with the mister a couple of years ago and it was rammed on saturday night. only just though to go back after one of the written papers. was feeling antisocial so settled into my table for one in the shade and had tapas. food wasn't great :/ then went for a long walk across the bridge just to see the quayside in the sunshine. told you i was pre-nostalgic!

manic day out

revision can get so boring and i'm usually bouncing off the walls wanting out. hadn't been to penshaw's and was starting to get pre-nostalgic. it didn't disappoint and who knew we could climb the monument and traipse around on the collapsing roof too! have a macam friend who was excited about my visiting penshaw's and broke into indecipherable song when i told her. turns out there's a local legend about a worm which i shant bore you with, but it was cute and i love when places have a back story.

after penshaw's it was south bound and things got bit craycray hitting up beach after beach in a row because the weather was good! must've gone to 4 beaches (and this victorian park!) and seeing the sand dune and sand dancers before a curry at curry mile. should've taken the ferry but timing didn't work out. 

post curry it was more beaches, albeit north of the tyne so tynemouth, whitley bay and cullercoats. walked along the coast for a bit and it was so clear and still in the setting sun. check out the blue blue sky :)

and because a whole bunch of beaches weren't enough, had to nosey round the marina too and saw this weird boat moored with dodgy characters inside...

last day

this is slightly belated but i went with newfound friends to a pub near medsch after our first day of class. i'd just moved from singers and my alcohol tolerance was abysmal. struggled to finish half a pint and didn't have a taste for beer because it burned my tongue. oh ho, the fizz! too much! let's not even talk about anything stronger. in the (almost) five years that have elapsed, this has sadly changed. and i'd be the first to suggest heading to the pub in good times and bad. funny story - called for emergency pub meeting after the first day of third year when i very accidentally needlestuck the dean (for real). in my defence, his pinky was in the way on the rubber arm. no infection control issue, no datix, no reporting because it was a rubber arm but i was mortified that it was his first ever needlestick in over 20 years of practice :/ oh well! lived to tell the tale? or never really lived it down because my clinical group mates haven't let me forget. it's great though, if there were an award for most improved i'm sure i'd be in the running.

anyhoos it was nice to finish the last day of final year back at the same pub, this time having learnt to enjoy my alcohol and in a position to savour a pint of deuchar's :) couldn't believe that's five years done and just finals to go. and now finals have started it's just a couple of weeks to freeeeedom (and doctordom, i hope!)

snapchat

so the younglings got me onto snapchat recently and it's provided some much welcome distraction! although i fear i'm the irrelevant aunty who's all awkward on social media not quite knowing what to do / what's acceptable behaviour. how does one navigate this??? i get the unwritten insta rules (no more than a post a day, quality control, pick the best, don't over filter, don't be annoying with smug hashtags etc) and i think i've figured out fb. similar rules as insta but posting more than a photo at a time is acceptable? i'm not overly active on either, with more spiking than regular activity because honestly who takes it seriously anymore?! 

snapchat - i want to respond to things but it seems creepy to reply to stuff on other people's stories? like on fb or insta you'd see comments and it'd be public. or you can send stuff to just selected people... i use imessage for that cos it doesn't save to camera roll. the temporary nature of it appeals - but also frustrating when i read a chat but don't reply right away and when i want to reply i've forgotten what i was meant to respond to! the immediacy and urgency required is a bit too much for me. also, a chat with one of my friends hasn't wiped itself out. i'm not bothered but is it a bug? is it just her? why??? also i can't shake how snapchat was a dark corner for dirty deeds. i know i know (giving away my age with my prude-y auntiness) but i do like the video function and how it makes video taking and sharing easy! and i can download it to send to granny who's always interested in what i'm doing. the aspect throws me a little, suppose could always do it the other way round and have people turn their heads.

my inner el cheapo loves 3-5 happy hour when local oysters are £1 each. and paired with a crisp french white? that's one loss leader for the win.

sitting on a beach

one of my favourite consultants started his finals lecture series by telling us to stop studying and spend the rest of our time before finals on a beach. he's absolutely right but i can't with clear conscience take him literally, much as i agree and would love to. such is guilt management ;) but i do make a point to go to town every day, and do something fun. got a little flyer in the post about a new brazilian place that lured me there with a free capirinha. of course i fell into their trap and got more than a capirinha, but that's only to be expected. the lunch box of calamari rings on sweet potato fries was possibly two of my favourite things together, and i proceeded to drown it in hot sauce. i know, classy.  

first paper today (went well, yay!), more writtens next week then clinicals in early june. bring it :)