thoughts on motherhood - day 14

there's an indian proverb that children bind the feet of the mother.

would be the first to admit that i came into motherhood somewhat reluctantly. L was unplanned but not unwanted, a happy accident over early may bank holiday long weekend when i really should've been revising for finals instead of gallivanting in the lakes. sat finals in the ever worsening throes of first trimester, started work in a dangerous job (acute male inpatient psych) during second trimester and felt like my medical career has stalled before it even started when i'd to go on maternity leave. but as my wise obgyn told me (and probably all his other patients!), "there's never a right time to have a baby, but it's always a good time". and i like to think he was right. conscious that we were incredibly lucky to have a baby without any complications and have nothing but respect for parents whose path to parenthood was longer and more intentional than ours. 

the birth itself wasn't entirely straightforward. L was late and i'd to be induced, labour was initially hard to establish but we got there in the end. his heart rate dropped while i was pushing and he needed a ventouse. in a way the ventouse  helped because i literally pushed thrice and for probably less than five minutes before he was delivered in all his slippery glory onto my chest. through it all, i'm grateful that God was in control and the medical team was wonderful. words cannot begin to describe the gratitude i feel to them, and of course nothing but praise for my incredible obgyn. aside: being post-dates is probably the most annoying thing earth because (well meaning) friends keep asking if there's a baby yet (from week 37!) so that's like a month of bother despite my telling them that as and when there's a baby, i'll let them know. it got to a point where i disengaged and stopped replying because was like groundhog day, or what einstein described as insanity (doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome!). also, friends who'd elective sections just didn't seem to get it and kept saying 'oh your baby could come before 40 weeks'. to someone who was doing everything in her power to get the baby out (long walks, spicy food, accupuncture that hurt like crazy, other unmentionables...) it was really discouraging to be told 'maybe you're too stressed', because, oh hey, it's that easy. that said, i did enjoy the peace and quiet before he was born and had oodles of time on my hands to be self indulgent. i like to think it was a healthy, normal pregnancy, low risk, baby was happy and why would i have him before he was full-term? but try telling me that at week 40, i'd probably have had a few choice words.

two weeks on, i cannot imagine life without him. perhaps that's the reason behind a nine (ten in our case!) month gestation because it takes times for the realisation to sink in. while nothing could've / would've prepared me for what lay ahead, the switch just flicked when he was placed on me and everything changed in that split second.what i found helpful was friends who were positive, who told me it'd be more exhausting but also more fulfilling than i could ever imagine. their words ring even more true now he's here. without going into too much detail, what i didn't appreciate were friends, who i'm sure had the best of intentions, were negative about pregnancy / motherhood. constantly telling me 'just you wait till you can't reach your toes' or 'labour is hard then having a newborn is worse' or 'how breastfeeding is painful and hard' or 'you'll never sleep again'. didn't see the point of that - knowing beforehand doesn't benefit me and robs me of joy. and now that things are good, i'm subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to fall because i've been naive and taken the naysayers to heart. granted it's probably about frame of reference and if they've had a negative experience they're more likely to project that negative experience cos they don't know any other way. as C graciously pointed out when i'd a rant to her about negative friends i stopped replying because they got on my nerves, perhaps it was underscored by an element of baby blues. 

but the negativity is everywhere - even in choice of words and nuance. people ask how we're 'coping'. which implies it's difficult and challenging. singaporean friends are horrified we don't have a confinement nanny but we decided against the invasion of privacy and also i'm very bad at following instructions and could only envision myself going stir crazy if someone was paid to tell me what to do. it's just us three against the world and i'm constantly reminder what a rockstar the mister is. he cooks, cleans, launders, does groceries, runs around the far reaches of greater london picking up gumtree baby kit (moses basket, snuzpod, stokke high chair and newborn attachment, travel cot), does all the admin (uk birth certificate, sg citizenship application, opens bank account etc) so i don't have to lift a finger. becoming a parent has made me less judgmental when it comes to hired help - used to wonder why two adults couldn't manage their own spawn and needed so much assistance (involved inlaws, confinement nanny, domestic helper etc). but now i kinda shrug and realise it's a personal choice and the family unit has to do what's best for them.

my thoughts on the whole confinement issue are cherry picking, to say the least. for friends unfamiliar with confinement, chinese (?) women believe that the month after the baby is born the mother (and baby!) should stay home and be cared for, and avoid the cold and water at all costs. no drinking water, no showers / baths, no washing hands. just wipe down with towel (eww) and eat and drink nutritious, restorative soups and food. there's a whole industry (i call it racket) of confinement ladies who can be hired to care for the mother and newborn for a pretty penny. or the grandmothers do it. from what friends have shared, they care for the baby so the mother can rest and recover, bringing the baby to mother for feeds and giving mother lotions and potions that will increase milk supplies.

with that as the context, the mister has been sweet to brew me 6L of confinement tea every day (red dates and herbs his mother kindly sent us) and cook me so-called confinement food (food with lots of ginger and vinegar). however this has been supplemented by a healthy doses of diet coke with ice and lemon, coconut water and as much takeaway as we can bring ourselves to charge to the credit card. pizza, burgers you name it, we've had it in the last two weeks. i find the no water ban particularly gross because it's so important to keep bits and stitches (yep, war zone but i'm on some very powerful and possibly off licence analgesics!) clean and to wash my hands before i touch baby / food etc. i do what makes me feel comfortable like dress warmly, wear socks and bedroom slippers indoors, have a hot shower at night, wear gloves the rare time i'm doing the dishes so the mister gets some downtime to decompress.

we're inspired by our friends here who care for the newborns on their own and it's a complete paradigm shift from the rules and rigidity (real or perceived) in singers. while everything changed, nothing changed and we still do what we want to do when we want to. blessed to have had a speedy and uncomplicated recovery. we've been out every day for a meal or a walk since being discharged on hospital on day three. nothing overly ambitious, staying in the 'hood and revisiting our usual haunts, albeit with baby in tow. kinda cool to be back and no longer pregnant cos they must've thought i'd been pregnant forever with no sign of baby (not pregnant but fat?). ventured to the country last weekend, and again this weekend for our first overnight stay away. he comes everywhere with us and the only thing i'm picky about is germy children near him. if a kid coughs i grab him and run a mile.

he's a great baby, sleeps feeds pees and poos well, meeting all his baby KPIs. nothing disturbs him  - he slept through really loud worship in church! we get more sleep than the fearmongerers predicted with him sleeping 11pm-3am, waking for a feed, then sleeping till 8/9am since the night he was born, with the sole exception of day 3. he's a happy, alert baby, doesn't fuss, isn't cranky, only cries when he's hungry, content to sit in his own swill because we're lazy about nappy changing (bad parents!). definitely have parent goggles on when i say he's a breeze to care for. cautiously optimistic that things stay this was but also realistic that it's early days yet and it could all go tits up. so again it doesn't help when people check in and i say he's doing well and they go 'just you wait, everything will change for the worse'. you probably wonder where i find such friends haha ;) i'm already paranoid enough and don't need help catastrophising.

it's teamwork and the mister and i quickly learnt to sleep through L's heavy breathing and lip smacking if it's not our turn, with the mister doing the odd night feed so i get extra shut eye. thankfully L doesn't cry unless we ignore his hunger for over 15min (fair enough!) so there's ample warning to get him on the breast. this way we needn't sleep separately, too, which's important for us. L's been exclusively on breast milk since day 3 when we got home (topped up with formula in the hospital but didn't need to once milk came in) and i've been expressing milk now and then for the mister to take over some feeds.

on that note, breastfeeding has been an amazing experience. i'd a little the head knowledge coming into this but until i saw milk coming out, i didn't really connect the two. had a really rough night our first night home from hospital (day 3, milk came in, too engorged, L couldn't latch, i didn't know what to do and grudgingly resorted to formula for fear i'd starve him otherwise) but had a wonderful lactation consultant come round later that day. 90min with her changed everything and we've not looked back. producing good amounts of milk and back to exclusively breast feeding. am so satisfied to watch my baby feed and grow solely on what my body is making for him. it's hard not to be smug / self-satisfied when i look at full bottles of breast milk and thank God for a body that's fearfully and wonderfully made. 

it's a steep learning curve but i feel we're getting more familiar with L and his (few) needs. interpreting his cues better with time and wanting to bottle up his newborn preciousness. he's growing and changing before our very eyes and i finally understand where mothers, whom i previously thought were overly sentimental when they bemoaned their babies growing up too fast, are coming from. oops, guilty as charged.

it's been the longest and shortest two weeks of our lives and i'm once again so very glad it's just us three against the world. we want him to be kind, to have good sound values and prioritise social skills over baby algebra. figure he'll learn to read, write and count when he's ready but more importantly want him to play and regard the world with wonder as a child and beyond. we're trying our best to parent with wisdom and grace, constantly battling self-doubt and asking each other 'did we do the right thing? are we terrible parents?'. it's hard - whoever says it's not is lying - but oh so worth it and i'm looking forward to this journey with him. hence if he binds my feet so i slow down to walk with him, it's a change in pace i'm more than happy to embrace for my sweet baby boy.

jia xiang mian

 

picked up a flyer outside earl's court tube for new chinese resto and thought to hazard it after work one day. it wasn't bad but the waiter was overly chatty and i feel bad cos he was probably just being nice. yet after a long day at work the last thing i want is to make conversation, because, really, work is all talk and i'm paid to be nice to really nasty people, so at the end of the day i'm usually emotionally and physically wiped out, just wanting some peace and quiet. he meant well, i'm sure, but he was being nosey and asking all these personal questions (where are you from, what are you doing in london, where do you work, where do you live, are you married, any children, what does your husband do etc)  and i didn't want to be rude but i sorta just gobbled my noodles and ran away ASAP.

noodles o-k, not worth the interrogation!

santa maria

first foray to santa maria near work was a roaring success and had spied one dangerously close to home. visited at an odd time but it was still relatively busy for tea-time. weirdly there was an old man with younger male (looked like bizniz buddy?) who was openly chatting up one of the sweet young waitresses. am usually not this sexist / ageist but it was really gross and almost enough to put me off my pizza. but hey, why not... maybe i'm just so attuned to safe guarding vulnerable adults / children that his sleaze really got my heckles up. think he was asking her about her boyfriend and if he was any good (presumably at horizontal activity) and i wanted so much to interrupt and ask her if she was ready to take our order. but she did seem to be encouraging him so who am i to meddle. ew ew ew all the same.

self-appointed protector of womankind rant aside, the pizza didn't disappoint and it's hands down better than franco manca and rosso pomodoro which are also in the 'hood. so glad to have discovered it and can see myself going back. oh and the tiramisu (technically contraband with all that raw egg...) was also incredible.

newlyweds

it's funny how we smug marrieds stick together ;) one of my co-workers just tied the knot over summer and moved into his marital home a stone's throw from mine. once upon a time, the mister and i used to run past his to get to spin class across the river. then we got lazy! but i noticed his shiny new wedding band during induction and we got talking. hearing him speak so warmly about his new wife made my heart sing. i'm a self-confessed love junkie / serial monogomist so people in love is one of my favourite things. felt like i knew her already. missed their housewarming as was going to be in the country that weekend but they very kindly invited me round for dinner after work one night. S (the blushing bride) is the sweetest and made a mean roast. lovely time round their table talking about weddings, about how people were surprised they got married "so young", as if marriage was a death knell to their respective ambitions. felt that was really unfair and took umbrage on their behalf when people are presumptuous and give marriage a bad rep. 

all for long term monogramy so hm don't think marriage itself is a huge deal but if it's something the couple believes it, why be a downer?

as the dust settles

it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks, to say the least. went on a last minute road trip post-exams because eight days of rocking back and forth in a padded cell was more than i could subject my mental health to, went to glasgow (!!!) to get my visa sorted and found out the next morning that i'd passed finals. the shock, the relief, the overwhelming joy. then it was back to toon for grad ball, a 'crisis management' driving lesson and then my driving test bright and early the next morning. passed that too, and felt like a rockstar. yes, been driving since i was 18 but was lazy and got an automatic licence in sg so thought it high time i grew up and learnt how to drive manual. which i did. so there!

was in singers for a couple of weeks then back to london. parents came up for grad and it was busy busy, with a short trip to the country after. funny story there - father had said we were going to the cotswolds before realising it was a 3h drive from london. he made the executive decision that a 45min drive was sufficiently heroic and we ended up at cliveden*house near maidenhead. beautiful setting, set in the national trust so lots of lovely grounds and walks. didn't have the heart to tell him that we could've just stayed in london and slept at mine, seeing how we remained so close to the city.

parents left and i pottered around the flat before deciding i needed a final fling before starting work (tomorrow!) and escaped north as i'm wont to do. lazy weekend with 12h zz, good food and good company, the perfect end to this five year sabbatical.

so i start work tomorrow and am more than a little apprehensive today. the responsibility! this is my career we're talking about! i'm working again (gulp) but the other part of me is thinking that this is about time, that this end point / starting point is what i've been inching towards for the last five years. and now i'm finally here, i should really be more positive.

thoughts on finals

writing this on a rainy saturday morning at the end of easter break. exactly 2 months till my last exam. wanted to stop and take stock of medsch so far, of five years of my 20s that went by in the blink of an eye. thinking back to when i first romanced the idea of medicine as a second degree (while driving around tuscany with then manfriend / now mister on my grad trip) and realise how crazy it was to dive into another professional degree after finishing one. but really, the seed was maybe planted two years earlier when the mister was in belgium on exchange and i'd gone to visit him but got banished during his exams to dublin to stay with my cousin, who was then doing medicine as a graduate. meeting her and her engaging, articulate grad med friends who struck me as well-rounded and brimming with emotional depth make me think about the viability (and benefit!) of doing medicine in uni v2. so wanting something is really different from actually putting in the hard work to get it. and i'm constantly reminded of how good God is, from taking medsch entrance exams at the same time as my bar exam, to interviewing just before starting pupillage and to later find out mid-trial that i'd been accepted (and the defense soon capitulated, so it was mega wins all round!)

medsch itself has been a wonderful 'pause' button on life and its accompanying responsibilities in one's 20s. grateful for the time out, for what i joke is my 'five year sabbatical' before rejoining the workforce. have the horrible tendency to gloss over the bad (and why waste precious time and energy dwelling on the negative) but there were low points, like when the state of arrested development got to me (typically every birthday!) and my former colleagues were all climbing the legal practice ladder and becoming senior associates, junior partners and more laterly, partners!) and how my friends who'd gone straight into undergrad medicine were regs and soon-to-be consultants. or how many of the doctors who've been saddled with me in clinical years are younger than me but yay for azn looks and unless i'm wearing my wedding band, no one clocks that i'm maybe old enough to be their mother. 

feel the undergrad medical course could easily be telescoped into 3.5 years but is deliberately prolonged for extra tuition fees and to give the younglings time to grow up. after all, not many 21 year olds would be good doctors. i defo wouldn't trust my 21 year old self to be a doctor. wish i could've done the accelerator course but alas, non-EU = ineligible. in a way the 5 year course is relaxed, wayy too much time off and hm i got to do other stuff so no real complaints, apart from this desire to get on with it and maybe get going on a career. with the way things are looking in the UK (yuck) and their increasingly protectionist measures (latest: hiring scores of foreign doctors but not allowing UK trained foreign doctors like me to remain... uh, why???) i'm not sure where i'll end up. it depends on the mister, where the wind blows him for work, and ultimately what i want to do (still don't know! please don't ask me what i want to specialise in!) oscillate between wanting to be a hospital consultant and doing some uber niche medicolegal thing where the arena is less crowded and i won't waste 5 years of legal training. then another part of me wants to be an itinerant earth mother home-schooling my photogenic brood who moves home every few months (years?) oh my poor imaginary gypsy family! 

that's all far away, and for now the task at hand is plainly simple. revise, pass finals then re-assess. in a way the next two years are sorted (hellooo junior-doctor-dom in north*west*thames!) and if things go according to plan, i've accidentally got a break coming up pretty soon after starting work haha. at this point, i'm so near the finish line now it's time to stop being bored (attention span is way too short, can't sit still and study for more than half an hour, want to be on the internets or out and about!) give it one last push when i've never really pushed before. always felt we'd ample time and practice for exams then need to remind myself it's a course designed for undergraduates, for children unable to time-manage because i've a 6 year life headstart on most of them that comes with 6 more years of exam experience. then again, going from wonderful law exams (loved studying law, loved exams! such fun!) to re-training my brain to pick up all this science, and drug mechanisms and body systems etc. wish it were more a transferable skill but alas it's starting from scratch and creating a brand new schema. have gotten by on embarrassingly little so far, so much so i was a little too close to the wire but lived to tell the tale. only discovered textbooks this year (oh the shame, i blame over-reliance on excellent seniors' notes through lawsch) to which my father sniffed, "better late than never". he's great, constantly telling people in the lift "i'm amazed she's not failed yet". well, so am i! the whole intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation to study is a real struggle. should want to know more medicine so i'll be a good doctor and good for patients, but it's fear of failure that's driven me to work thus far!

my confidence took a beating earlier this year, a combination of meeting exacting consultants who didn't mince their words (and they were right!) and being overwhelmed by irrational finals fear. it all got too much and i ran away to NYC (trigger: anxiety / counter-productive coping mechanism: horriday) where i hung out with A who was a surgeon then realised it wasn't for her and went to oil&gas and is now a management consultant. and she's the loveliest creature ever and she talked sense into me, saying how she too was exhausted of having to explain why she's 'dr' (actually 'miss') to people because her life about-turn happened so many years ago, it's old news. she too faced the same confidence issue, where she used to be uber confident because she was a terrific surgeon but having to start at the bottom of a new industry, knowing nothing, really knocked her for six. and i realised that's how i felt too! which was encouraging because she promised that given time, i'd build confidence in this new arena and would be synergistic by the time i bridged newfound confidence with latent confidence. fingers crossed! still waiting for that to happen :)

whenever the finals anxiety hits, i try to remind myself it's a numbers game. that being older / more mature / responsible, fortunate not having to work part-time while studying already puts me at an advantage. so the game plan for now is head down and chip away at the mammoth mountain. to be systematic and efficient (because there's no time!) to study smart, to retain information, not to do conscience-assuaging revision where i re-read what i already know to massage my ego... part of me thinks there's plenty of time, having really only needed a couple of days before each preceding end-of-year exam. this will be a walk in the park, they want to pass me, right? cf membership exams where they want to fail me :/  

only two months to go, will be over in no time and then helloo grad trip #2! 

edit 16 june 2016: found out today that i passed finals. thank God.

dusty roads

friendly locals! the people are such a warm and giving bunch .our hosts told us that if you were to be their guest, they'd surrender the sole bed and borrow money for a feast in our honour. our former help retired a few years ago and returned to the philippines. she's a long term health condition and we brought her medication with us to mail to her. in a way wish we could've visited but she's in a different part of the country. coming from singers we've such warped sense of distance and i fail to appreciate how remote somewhere could be. it's a country made up from 7102 islands (and counting) so don't even get me started on how its governed!

gutai collection

the purpose of the trip was ostensibly to see our hosts art collection at the museum. call me left-wing but i think it's such a waste when collectors buy premium artwork for their personal collection, as if such national treasures are a social good and should remain in the public sphere for communal appreciation. maybe that's the point of collecting i.e. to have something coveted that no one else does. so i found it very generous of our hosts to lend their private collection to the museum for everyone to enjoy.

they've incredible foresight and acumen, always one step ahead of the curve and supporting artists just before they become commercial successes. hosts shared some pretty jaw-dropping anecdotes, like how they were the only one to bid for a certain piece at an auction, securing it for a steal and a fraction of what they'd have been willing to pay should there have been a bidding war. i wish i had their ability to peer into the  crystal ball. the sort of appreciation (60x in a couple of years... OMG) is unheard of in stocks / property etc. and it's hard not to be swayed by the potential upside to such investment. 

also, i realised how appallingly little i know about art and wished i was more aware of what's out there. it's almost as if art's a luxury few can afford as we pragmatic singaporeans focus on bread and butter professions. i can tell you about medicine, and maybe a little about law, but am far from being well-versed in the art scene. would very much like to be able to hold my own, to look at a painting and instantly appraise the confidence with which the brushstrokes were made, the emotion it conveys, the concept behind it, why the artist did it that way etc. aware that so much of it is marketing, about grooming and pushing more bankable artists but do feel it's an area i need to know more about. feel shallow, otherwise.

working on sunday

junior doctors in the UK are up in arms about unsociable hours and pay (in a nutshell) and can't say i disagree. in fact, i'm glad there are people fighting for my rights (i don't have a say just yet) and sure hope the contract that's eventually imposed will be better than the one we're being threatened with. however, time and place for political observations and commentary. this isn't it. also, i do think lawyers have it worse, minus the life/death responsibility unless they've a criminal law / human rights practice. in fact, it's not just lawyers but other industries. the mister has left legal practice for greener pastures (hence the view haha) but was still in the office on sunday. he's used to it, i was used to working weekends all those years ago and a senior consultant friend got a bit snippy and said their first weekend off was as a senior registrar, having worked weekends through school (camera shop), medsch (they could locum) then on call every weekend through training till senior reg level. that said, working weekends isn't something i'd want to do. how crazy does someone need to be to willingly sacrifice precious down time with loved ones in less nutty industries. but it's part and parcel of the job, no? and if it's something i knowingly (or unknowingly) signed up for then really can't turn around and complain now.

2016, let's gooO!

it's no secret that primrose hill is my happy place. am a one trick pony and it's my default 'things to do' suggestion when friends are in town. instead of squeezing into a stinky hipster coffee place, i suggest we take a walk to and up primrose hill if the weather is good. best views of london and have spent many happy hours there this year. so it was only fitting to spend NYE there too with the hordes of other revelers. just like 2012/13 (see, one trick pony!) was sandwiched between schoolgirls and rastafarians, second-hand smoke of the green sort aplenty. was also late (typical!) and ended up sprinting up the hill in wellies as the crowd counted down and fireworks went off. thank goodness that went on for awhile so i caught most of it when sufficiently elevated. at my height, every little counts and wouldn't have been able to see any of it otherwise! 

did a little 2015 review in the previous post so will spare you the self-indulgent reflection. in a way, 2015 was really hard and i'm so glad it's over. not quite good riddance but you get the picture. was recounting the year and it had more lows than highs, and the uncertainty about the future really got to be. there are definitely moments i'm not proud of, and moments i wish to never repeat. but that's life, isn't it. i'm hopeful for 2016, cautiously optimistic about a year that will see five years of hard graft come to fruition, to close one chapter and begin the next. since we got married in 2012 (yay, acquired a spouse and a house!), the years that followed have been a relatively happy continuum but i'm itchy for some action. growth is painful, and being stretched then stretched some more - even more so! but through it all i know Who holds my future, and who holds my hand.

onwards and upwards! here's wishing you a bigger, better and brighter 2016.

weekend breather

stumbled upon this cute little cafe and went twice in as many days. sometimes the need for novelty is less and i'm happy with repeats while other times i'm adamant about not going back because the world is so big and there's so much else to see. it had cute fixtures like cinema seats in place of chairs and fairy lights, which i'm partial to. also conveniently located next to an oxfam where i spied these framed prints going for £5 each. i liked the one of the girly about to hurl herself off the rocks. no suicidal ideation here, no worries, but it reminded me of sappho and the island of lesbos. again, no homosexual ideation nor homophobia here...

there was also a lovely cow on the moor when i went for a walk and it got bit too close for comfort! sad when the cows go though because one just knows they're headed to the big burger heaven in the sky. then again, they're happy healthy and free range on the moor so it's cold comfort that they had a good life and were well treated. had an interesting discussion about animal rearing with one of the consultant obstetricians who has lots of birds at home. he's growing turkeys for christmas and was telling me how he kills them. fascinating stuff and the registrar and i were intrigued by the various egg selling regulations in place, how he's lost many a chicken to the fox and remains sympathetic to them. says they probably kill more than they need to store for winter but get disturbed halfway so looks like they massacre for fun but actually misunderstood and interrupted before able to complete their tasks. makes for a fun morning on call in the doctors' office!

made a batch of broccoli soup that looked like oscar the grouch had a blender accident. 

and more evening strolls to look at the swans because i was in a reflective mood and needing to post-process after work.

keep going

don't want to sound like a broken recorder, or to constantly wallow but was feeling tired (haha, who doesn't). was clerking a patient that day and she said she was tired all the time and reg and i kinda exchanged a knowing look like 'omg, tell me about it' because he'd worked the last 10 days with no day off, i'm just a weaksauce medical student adjusting to long hours. we're all tired all the time and not feeling 100%. in fact i was checked for presenting back that the patient 'didn't feel well'  without going into specifics because according to the reg, no one feels well at any given point, there's always something wrong? bit negative but more common than one would think. anyway was encouraged by this article to press on, that the temporary stasis is temporary. keep reminding myself to count my blessings, that i'm fortunate to get a second bite of the university cherry and to be on the way to becoming a doctor. it's really the last push and yes it's not going to get easier but i rather do this than anything else. 

loved the conclusion - too good not to share

When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need.

crash landing to reality

oh, hello. thanks for stopping by. have been admittedly errant in not updating this little space. it's been a busy summer and it's been nice to take a step back and let life sweep me away. melodrama aside, fortunate to have spent time in both homes (london and singers) and quite accidentally circumnavigate the globe. was in london for the first half of my elective and singers for the rest of it. and in a vain attempt to console myself that unlike my less encumbered classmates who were spending their electives sipping rum on the beach in aruba, i thought i'd squeeze in some travel. a family friend was tying the knot in beverly hills and that was all the excuse i needed to hop over to the west coast. flew from london to frisco then roadtripped down the coast (big sur oi oi!) before breaking inland to yosemite, because, well, why not then back out to the coast towards LA (and beverly hills). had a funny moment at immigration when filling in the form and realising i knew the postcode (zip code haha) for the beverly hills hotel. grew up in the '90s, guilty as charged. although a much older friend also knew the post code so i think someone's development was arrested but let's not point fingers now. 

after the wedding, flew east and over to singers via tokyo before going from singers to london at the tail end of my pseudo summer break. round the world in (not quite) 80 days!

have been posting sporadically on fb, more for my benefit and memory than anything else (contrary to popular belief, the highlight reel that is fb is ALL FILTERED AND FOR SHOW). so no, real life is far from as glamorous or glossy as it may seem. bumped into K a few days ago, on a day where i was organising my closet by colour, and reminded her that hermetic days where i regress into OCDed strangeling is as representative of this funny existence as the holidaying may be. will be posting photos and thoughts over the next few days. in desperate need of post-processing as i started final year (!!!) last week and feel i can't quite move on mentally and ready myself for the onslaught that is finals prep if i haven't categorised the simmering maelstrom of thoughts and feels from the blissful interim between third and final year. fourth year, oh ya, was truly get out of jail. 

so do check back if you'd like to read :) thanks for hanging around and bearing with me while i made repeated forays into the real world X

lions and tigers

photo credits to the papa-razzi, whose camera and skillz makes me not bother with my own. also, don't you wonder about these stately homes? like what if one doesn't want to be a marquis but it's a birthright that's forced upon oneself? what if one preferred anonymity, and say, being a plumber instead of the local aristo? then what happens? joke that these homes are so expensive to maintain that they often need to attract and be open to public (hence 'lions and tigers') to stay afloat. but the grounds are beautiful, period furniture to die for. been thinking about heritage and legacy lately, especially when V was talking about going into practice with the aim of taking over his father's firm. there's something noble about that, about shelving personal ambition to do what's expected, to be dutiful in a sense. yet couldn't help but wonder if that would be the best use of his talent and skill. it's a happy position to be in, how many people have a family business to take over? and it's a champagne problem, to say the least. but hear me out, what if the path one wants to follow isn't the tried and tested one? what if there's no precedent? does one carve their own or take up the mantle placed on them with a heavy heart. life's too sort to please other people, even if they're family.

it's been a good few days of quietness and contemplation, some much needed peace from the hustle bustle that is summer in london. have tried my best to opt out, to say no, to be protective of time and down time. enjoying pottering around the flat, tidying, kicking back and reading to my heart's content. appreciate it's for a season, these lovely long empty days will not be forever, and to slow down and be mindful, finding joy in the mundane.

holding space

appreciate this is a relatively frivolous blog with happy clappy posts about london living, but it's a poor reflection of life in its technicolour glory. it's been a funny year with lots of sad news. thankful nothing too close to home, but it's been close to heart. and being thousands of miles away from our near and dear does render one helpless. embarrassingly, i've the florist on speed dial and have sent more 'cheer up' bouquets than celebratory ones of late. because, short of jumping on the next plane to singers, there's really nothing else to do. of course there's whatsapp and the other wonders of technology, but the last thing i'd want to do is impose on friends already going through a rough time. think people need space and should be allowed to engage on their terms, when they're ready. and whatsapp is brilliant for that. was reading this great article about holding space and it really resonated. 

without going into too much detail, and wanting to protect our friends' privacy, there have been some major losses (health, parents' health, marriage, parents, unborn babies, babies never conceived, jobs) and i've learnt how it's occasionally more kind not to ask after things because there's probably nothing more annoying than someone constantly badgering them. no one wants to be a curiosity, no one wants to constantly explain that they've still not conceived, or that they have but are cautiously optimistic this time round and aren't ready to talk about it yet. 

spent an entire day with a friend recently who shared she was in the process of trying to become a single mother this year. but she didn't bring it up when we next met (maybe there was nothing left to say?) and i didn't dare ask in case it wasn't going well. there's something very azn (sorry, hate to generalise) about people asking you to eat , sleep , not work so hard (or work harder). and people projecting their idiosyncracies onto you. it's kind of naggy and incredibly off-putting and i need to consciously stop myself every time i find myself lapsing into auntie-mode. no doubt well-meant but surely there's a better way to express concern. 

so how does one go about supporting friends experiencing tough times? i'm still figuring that out and if you've a better idea, please tell me! after all, it's so individual and in a way harping on the issue (cancer / miscarriage / unemployment) isn't productive. i tend to do a general check-in, share my own challenges and let them guide the conversation i.e. we'll only talk about the issue if they bring it up first because maybe all they want is a break from the noise surrounding whatever it is they're facing. not saying to forget and most definitely not being dismissive of the massive emotional (and/or physical) trauma they've been through but time and place, really.

delicious nothing-ness

life's full and busy and moves so very fast some times it's lovely to get some down time, to opt out and sit around with my feet up. know bang on about being young, footloose and fancy free and i suppose i'm coming round to the thought that hey, i could just as easily be not-so-young, footloose and fancy free. which is comforting seeing how i've so many issues with age-ing and the annual wobble comes on the clock around my birthday.  seeing how my birthday is long past, this year i was grateful to be known and to have friends fully cognisant of my birthday aversion and yet descend on my doorstep with a pile of (ok, 10) apple pies and a rather lethal trick candle.

it's going to be a quiet easter break and relishing the stretch of white time that lies ahead. am eschewing planning anything and resisting the urge to pack it full, but open to spontaneous thingums that jump out. didn't leave the flat yesterday and finally got round to sorting it out. when one's life fits into a one-bedder, less is more. had a delightful house guest for the last week (little inflatable air mattress has been worth every penny!) and who left the place spotless but it's just laundry and life that needs to get done. weather's turning warm so have put the winter wear into storage and here's hoping london's cruel climate doesn't play a trick and send me scrambling for the woolies next week! needed 'office lady' clinical clothes for the next placement, then hopefully it's summer wardrobe all the way for next few weeks in the lab (look ma, test tubes!!!) and then it's back to singers to finally get my doctorlawyer on. psyched to be with an NGO i believe in and have supported for the last few years where i can get hands dirty in both the medical and legal clinics they run. that's the plan, anyway. goodness knows i much rather be on some boozy elective on paradise isle where the biggest problem is jellyfish stings... but again it's about choices, about being responsible and a good steward of heavenly gifts, according to my mother anyway. meh. don't feel particularly gifted.

bracing myself for final year but realise the danger of being caught up in the future. constantly reminded to be present, to savour the moment. there's been a bit of rolling with the punches the last few weeks, and needing to land on one's feet but nothing insurmountable. grateful for my coterie of girlfriends on the other end of the phone who are merely one desperate text message away. and for friends who make an effort to reach out and are much kinder to me than i'll ever be. in truth, it's all first world problems and tiny issues i manage to dramatise and make mountains out of. again, grateful for friends who stifle their guffaws and reassure me that my phone going for a swim isn't the worst thing in the world, despite not being revived by unholy amounts of holy water nor praying for an easter miracle. 

as someone who needs to have her life mapped out, this lack of visibility is semi-destablising. actually, tell a lie. i do know where i'll be all the way till june 2016. but then it's up in the air. the mister reminds me >12months visibility is already pretty good but i like to know where i'm going. although the best laid plans, mice and men etc... there's lots going on that i'm happy about and having just extricated myself from the self-imposed shackles of domestic drudgery, coming out on the other side appreciative of a spouse and house to care for is something i didn't think i was capable of years ago. but people change. it's no secret that i want to have it all. maybe we'll get there. 

girlfriends

it's been a pseudo-quiet week, one of those where i'm determined to have minimal activity but ends up being busy busy, in the best possible way. blessed to have amazing friends who reach out when i'm at my hermetic worse, drawing me out of the little cave with offers of company. constantly reminded how fortunate i am to have friends who are present, who make an effort to engage even when i'm caught up with work and far from my agreeable best. P knows how i can sleep for singapore, and how running on 5h sleep the last couple of weeks makes for a crabby patty. but still she made plans, and i ended up sneaking off a little earlier than anticipated on monday.

visited her bachelorette pad because i'm nosey like that, then popped by hoxtons to rub shoulders with the hipster crowd. 

oh i felt so uncool, and P made a point to laugh at the name tag i'd forgotten to remove upon exiting the ward. she's an old old friend and we've been friends for nearly half our lives. we smiled at how some things don't change - it was a monday evening and she was revising and doing assignments, while i was trying to run away from responsibility, much like how it was it secondary school! we were joined at the hip till j2, then she left sg for uni and we only saw each other when i was interviewing for medsch on her turf, which happened to fall on the same weekend she was home for her brother's wedding in 2011. but she's since moved to london to do her masters and all's right with the world. reuniting last summer was one of my highlights of 2014 and while we don't see as much of each other as i'd like (well, maybe more so now seeing how work is 15min from where she's staying!) it's always a good time to her. grateful to be known, to have her in my corner and for her constantly talking sense into me. need that more than i care to admit!

with the mister away wheeling and dealing, i'm dangerously left to my own devices. healthy eating habits go out of the window and i'm not proud of the four maccas apple pies i'd for dinner last night. nor the ben&jerry's peanut butter cup i'd for dinner tonight. pb cup reminds me of summer cruising (when i'd a 6 scoops a day habit for 10 days) and brings me right back to sunny days at sea, creepy ice-cream man notwithstanding. big proponent of listening to one's body but i do need to learn to shut it up when it demands junk food. emotional triggers, much. not that life's been particularly emotional. tired from work but it's more the early starts than its actual nature. was momentarily wondering if i'd become weak sauce when it came to medical futility and loss but no, still relatively unmoved by the daily tragedy that is work. there are only a couple of people i can tell about my day, and often they put it in perspective. such is the beauty of having sounding boards far wiser than i'll ever be.

often i need to tell myself to snap out of being so self-absorbed, to think about other people for a change because there are bigger problems out there. and there are bright sparks like blue skies and leaving work when it's still light out. surrounded by so much sadness means coping mechanisms become macabre. realise it's not for everyone, especially not the mister who, bless him, has the most sensitive soul. i see the pain flash across his eyes every time i tell him about yet another babe that didn't make it. and have since learnt to actively filter so as not to cause unnecessary aggravation. 

thoughts on jan 2015

typing this on the first day of feb. can't believe january's whizzed by and we're into the second month of 2015. things have been busy in the real world, hence the relative silence on this front. but it's not just that. part of me feels increasingly reticent and hermetic with time, as if there's a creeping aversion to social media and being "out there" about what i get up to. life's been pretty much the same, more social in some ways even, but i'm less inclined to shout it from the rooftops. 

lots has happened this month, most of it thought-provoking, and i'm trying to figure out what motivates me. uninteresting existential questions and the like. not quite searching but i think most of one's 20s (or life?) is spent refining ideas, cultivating new ones and generally working towards being a better version of oneself. in theory, anyway. 

been incredibly fortunate to be in clinics at a centre of excellence and relishing every moment. steep learning curve and everyone's a superstar so i leave work feeling 2cm tall most days. humbling and awe-inspiring at the same time and so very excited to be on the cutting edge of medicine, learning from some of the world's best. did take a while to find my feet and found the first week particularly tough but hey, comes with the territory and glad to be on the other side now. also, being a 15min stroll to work is literally the best thing ever. not counting on the stars aligning as such again so treasuring every extra minute of zzz. was a little overambitious and ended up squeezing what was meant to be a six week audit into a week and a half so there were a couple of 12+h days (oh the shame!) that are thankfully behind me, or so i hope! 12h should be nothing but i'm totes weaksauce after leaving gainful employment in 2011.

on the social front it's been a carousel of friends in town and been lucky to have time with dear friends i don't see as often as i'd like. what's fun has also been doing different things with guests so as not to bore myself with a tried-and-tested "jo's top 5 things to do in london". keeping things fresh and mixing them up just means sort of dragging my ever-obliging visitors into my life, doing what i normally do i.e. weekends in the country, brunch in the 'hood, coffee runs to the local bakery, sunday dimsum lunches, gastropub adventures with foodie friends, home-cooked dinners at home, exploring new korean restaurants in the city etc. so, really, nothing particularly special or touristy. there's something to be said about finding joy in the ordinary and i've been quite particular about not going out of my way to entertain people. selfish as it sounds, life goes on and they're welcome to come along. 

a friend commented that the company i keep is all hyper-ambitious, over-achieving types and i got a bit self-conscious. don't necessarily agree but admit it might seem like that? like to think i value capability and potential, not particularly current networth in fact, i'm a big believer in undervalued sorts. yet i'm privileged to know some truly interesting people with fascinating minds, the sort i can just sit and listen to and feel smarter for at the end of it. love an exchange of ideas and getting different perspectives. A was telling me about criminal defence she practices at the hague, J about clerking for a federal judge and their frequent trips to hold court in papua new guinea, M about her organic dog food business and breeding winning racehorses, Y about auctioning off a diplomat's art collection in amsterdam, S for booking the hand&flower a year in advance and letting me free-ride on his reso, X about the ebola vaccine trials she's working on, E about writing foreign worker policy in singers and R likening neurosurgery to plumbing. having left the legal industry, i'm more than happy to live vicariously through friends in practice whom i met in stockholm on exchange and who've gone on to do amazingly well as lawyers, and friends who've similarly left practice for more attractive ventures. i suppose everyone picks their path and their battle. 

there's also been a fair bit of event planning / hosting to be done for which i grudgingly drag my feet along. there's a 'do for 100 at a chinese resto i like but i forget how much i enjoy negotiating and doing deals. feel incredibly accomplished to have substituted better dishes at no extra cost, and locked in four bottles of wine per table at a steal, with fixed low prices for cocktails. maybe it's an azn thing but i get such a kick out of feeling i've created / added value. and it's a bit embarrassing but i also like cultivating relationships and reaping the benefit in VIP discount and queue-jumping privileges. 20min wait for table of seven when i've waited 90min for table of three previously... don't mind if i do! doing another dinner at hutong, this time for 30, and again it's game face on and charm offensive. may be getting the wheels rolling for a nus*lawsch reunion in london too! feel the point of garnering goodwill is to pass it on, and who better to benefit than dear alma mater.

what's been more restorative, however, is having friends over for dinner. gotten into a little groove and taken to cooking for one or two friends at a time. not a fan of big groups unless absolutely necessary and it's great to do a simple but quality meal over a bottle of wine. far from a confident cook but friends have been forgiving, which's always an attractive trait. what was super nice today was that friends who were in the neighbourhood stopped by for coffee, which turned into cheese and charcuterie with bubbly rose. it's wonderful to be known and to have friends comfortable enough to come over spontaneously. and after they left, my local thai decided to be snarky so got take out and had newly-pregnant friends home for dinner instead. not to be vindictive but it's more comfortable at home, with limitless wine and singha beer plus friends stayed past midnight which's usually the sign of a good night, especially with mama-to-be's new 8pm bedime.

then when i'm social-ed out, bid a hasty retreat into my little cave and stay there for a stretch before venturing out again. more ebb and flow of interest and energy than bipolar (i hope!) and truly enjoying this time of responsibility-free self-indulgence. work's contained to the week, weekends wide open for 12h sleeps or as action-packed as i'm wanting them to be. appreciate things won't always be like this and grateful to be in a good place now. can't ask for more!

thanksgiving

every year i go into a lengthy, pseudo-defensive preamble about how i don't celebrate thanksgiving because i'm neither uhmurikan nor living in uhmurikaa. but i agree with the sentiment, and think it's so important to pause and be thankful for little mercies. it's been a good year, and i'm excited for the little that's left of it. my loved ones are happy and healthy, school's going swimmingly, i've a handful of good friends whose friendship and stalwart support i am constantly humbled by, and things are generally going well. not so naive to take for granted that this will always be the case, and more than conscious that circumstances can change in a snap. but knowing all that, i'm grateful for what i have and try not to be an entitled brat most of the time. being in healthcare is also a keen reminder that not everyone is as fortunate, and to be able to walk unaided and without pain, to enjoy my food and drink and be able to sleep with no difficulty are underrated activities. 

in that vein, snapped some photos on a crisp late autumn day and took time to soak in the beauty in the surroundings. going for a friend's thanksgiving party on friday and looking forward to uhmurikan hospitality and feasting till surrender. there's much to be thankful for, and even private setbacks (believe you me, there have been a couple this year too!) are more tolerable in light of the good things that lie ahead.

taylors then duoro valley

have i mentioned the best thing about porto was the port? cursed with a sweet tooth and am already unable to resist the sweet hit of port on the best of days. throw me into porto and it's hellooooo cellars and cellars of syrupy goodness! yes, there's something to be said about moderation and being responsible (look ma, no water...) but all the rules go out of the window on holiday. so if day 0 was landing in the afternoon and hitting the ground running, day 1 was when we upped the ante. probably overstating the lack of sleep (literally 90min between getting back to the hotel from the club and the early morning talks) but when already running on empty, i felt like really needed the sugar rush to keep going. was also more than a little bummed that i only got 90min in the divine bed. starting to regret late (early?) night already. hopped across the street to taylors for lunch and ohmy what a view! and what a meal! commenting to F, one of the other +1s, that after a table setting with six glasses  each (champers, red, white and three ports in increasing age), we couldn't go back to regular feasting. any thing else would just pale in comparison!

as an aside, it was also cool to visit taylor's in person because it's the brand i'm most familiar with. in fact, i think i've paid kind friends in kind with taylor's port after stowing my mountain of barang barang at theirs over summer in between houses.

lunch was followed by a scenic ride to the duoro valley to visit the croft vineyards. L had chartered a bus and the crazy bunch managed to turn it into the party bus supreme. needless to say, the 4.5L bottle that magically reappeared was responsible for some of it. however, knowing when to bow out is as important as knowing when to boogey all night. so it was eye mask and noise cancelling earphones on (listening to radio3 no less!), to catch up on some zz. defensive sleeping, as i call it, not knowing what sort of night lay ahead. did wake after two hours and caught the most picturesque part of the journey and my inner nerd was excited by the multiple bridges across the duoro. may or may not have been trigger happy and then spammed my fellow bridge enthusiasts i.e. family whatsapp group with bridge pics.

L had scoped the cutest little vintage house hotel and we all had rooms with balconies overlooking the duoro, and up and down each others' rooms hehe. there was some commotion at night with the main hotel and some cheeky folk not being in the beds they were assigned to. but hey, all par for the course? throw 30 something 30somethings together and things are bound to get jiggy. as the youngest by a good couple of years (the mister being the second youngest heh) i felt a little like an old married prude listening in rapt attention to the morning after tales. such is life and vicarious living!

oh and that's the balcony i sought solace from when it all got too much and they started throwing each other / jumping into the duoro. something about dead fish and pants-ing trickled through the grapevine (haha) but i emerged when things were civil again for pre-dinner drinks before hitting up the town.

this was also the night things escalated and my first aid skills came in handy. without going into too much detail, save for the self-indulgence of reflection, a hand was put through a glass table. the former US army captain, PE fund general counsel and veterinary surgeon turned oil trader were on it, much to my relief and being older, more commanding presences they got things under control quite quickly. but i was able to triage and reassure the rest that the casualty was going to be fine. also nice to know that i think straight and remain calm when faced with lots of blood. a little duh at this point but having come to the medicine game later in the day, there's always been this remnant of self-doubt that doesn't quite seem to go away.