thoughts on finals

writing this on a rainy saturday morning at the end of easter break. exactly 2 months till my last exam. wanted to stop and take stock of medsch so far, of five years of my 20s that went by in the blink of an eye. thinking back to when i first romanced the idea of medicine as a second degree (while driving around tuscany with then manfriend / now mister on my grad trip) and realise how crazy it was to dive into another professional degree after finishing one. but really, the seed was maybe planted two years earlier when the mister was in belgium on exchange and i'd gone to visit him but got banished during his exams to dublin to stay with my cousin, who was then doing medicine as a graduate. meeting her and her engaging, articulate grad med friends who struck me as well-rounded and brimming with emotional depth make me think about the viability (and benefit!) of doing medicine in uni v2. so wanting something is really different from actually putting in the hard work to get it. and i'm constantly reminded of how good God is, from taking medsch entrance exams at the same time as my bar exam, to interviewing just before starting pupillage and to later find out mid-trial that i'd been accepted (and the defense soon capitulated, so it was mega wins all round!)

medsch itself has been a wonderful 'pause' button on life and its accompanying responsibilities in one's 20s. grateful for the time out, for what i joke is my 'five year sabbatical' before rejoining the workforce. have the horrible tendency to gloss over the bad (and why waste precious time and energy dwelling on the negative) but there were low points, like when the state of arrested development got to me (typically every birthday!) and my former colleagues were all climbing the legal practice ladder and becoming senior associates, junior partners and more laterly, partners!) and how my friends who'd gone straight into undergrad medicine were regs and soon-to-be consultants. or how many of the doctors who've been saddled with me in clinical years are younger than me but yay for azn looks and unless i'm wearing my wedding band, no one clocks that i'm maybe old enough to be their mother. 

feel the undergrad medical course could easily be telescoped into 3.5 years but is deliberately prolonged for extra tuition fees and to give the younglings time to grow up. after all, not many 21 year olds would be good doctors. i defo wouldn't trust my 21 year old self to be a doctor. wish i could've done the accelerator course but alas, non-EU = ineligible. in a way the 5 year course is relaxed, wayy too much time off and hm i got to do other stuff so no real complaints, apart from this desire to get on with it and maybe get going on a career. with the way things are looking in the UK (yuck) and their increasingly protectionist measures (latest: hiring scores of foreign doctors but not allowing UK trained foreign doctors like me to remain... uh, why???) i'm not sure where i'll end up. it depends on the mister, where the wind blows him for work, and ultimately what i want to do (still don't know! please don't ask me what i want to specialise in!) oscillate between wanting to be a hospital consultant and doing some uber niche medicolegal thing where the arena is less crowded and i won't waste 5 years of legal training. then another part of me wants to be an itinerant earth mother home-schooling my photogenic brood who moves home every few months (years?) oh my poor imaginary gypsy family! 

that's all far away, and for now the task at hand is plainly simple. revise, pass finals then re-assess. in a way the next two years are sorted (hellooo junior-doctor-dom in north*west*thames!) and if things go according to plan, i've accidentally got a break coming up pretty soon after starting work haha. at this point, i'm so near the finish line now it's time to stop being bored (attention span is way too short, can't sit still and study for more than half an hour, want to be on the internets or out and about!) give it one last push when i've never really pushed before. always felt we'd ample time and practice for exams then need to remind myself it's a course designed for undergraduates, for children unable to time-manage because i've a 6 year life headstart on most of them that comes with 6 more years of exam experience. then again, going from wonderful law exams (loved studying law, loved exams! such fun!) to re-training my brain to pick up all this science, and drug mechanisms and body systems etc. wish it were more a transferable skill but alas it's starting from scratch and creating a brand new schema. have gotten by on embarrassingly little so far, so much so i was a little too close to the wire but lived to tell the tale. only discovered textbooks this year (oh the shame, i blame over-reliance on excellent seniors' notes through lawsch) to which my father sniffed, "better late than never". he's great, constantly telling people in the lift "i'm amazed she's not failed yet". well, so am i! the whole intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation to study is a real struggle. should want to know more medicine so i'll be a good doctor and good for patients, but it's fear of failure that's driven me to work thus far!

my confidence took a beating earlier this year, a combination of meeting exacting consultants who didn't mince their words (and they were right!) and being overwhelmed by irrational finals fear. it all got too much and i ran away to NYC (trigger: anxiety / counter-productive coping mechanism: horriday) where i hung out with A who was a surgeon then realised it wasn't for her and went to oil&gas and is now a management consultant. and she's the loveliest creature ever and she talked sense into me, saying how she too was exhausted of having to explain why she's 'dr' (actually 'miss') to people because her life about-turn happened so many years ago, it's old news. she too faced the same confidence issue, where she used to be uber confident because she was a terrific surgeon but having to start at the bottom of a new industry, knowing nothing, really knocked her for six. and i realised that's how i felt too! which was encouraging because she promised that given time, i'd build confidence in this new arena and would be synergistic by the time i bridged newfound confidence with latent confidence. fingers crossed! still waiting for that to happen :)

whenever the finals anxiety hits, i try to remind myself it's a numbers game. that being older / more mature / responsible, fortunate not having to work part-time while studying already puts me at an advantage. so the game plan for now is head down and chip away at the mammoth mountain. to be systematic and efficient (because there's no time!) to study smart, to retain information, not to do conscience-assuaging revision where i re-read what i already know to massage my ego... part of me thinks there's plenty of time, having really only needed a couple of days before each preceding end-of-year exam. this will be a walk in the park, they want to pass me, right? cf membership exams where they want to fail me :/  

only two months to go, will be over in no time and then helloo grad trip #2! 

edit 16 june 2016: found out today that i passed finals. thank God.

bank holiday border crossing

in a perfect world, i'd live in scotland. can't explain my fascination with the place, or maybe i can. love being just a hop away from the border and almost never turn down an invitation north. there's something about the rugged landscape that just draws me in. i feel i could get lost but would still be safe, if that makes any sense at all. i like the blunt nature of the people, how what you see is what you get, no veneers. it's a directness and an honesty i've come to appreciate and i'm sad that i'll soon be too far south for a day trip. the walks are great, fish and chips at berwick always make my day and zooming through the country is my perfect panacea.

tapas

went to a little hidden spanish place with back garden with the mister a couple of years ago and it was rammed on saturday night. only just though to go back after one of the written papers. was feeling antisocial so settled into my table for one in the shade and had tapas. food wasn't great :/ then went for a long walk across the bridge just to see the quayside in the sunshine. told you i was pre-nostalgic!

manic day out

revision can get so boring and i'm usually bouncing off the walls wanting out. hadn't been to penshaw's and was starting to get pre-nostalgic. it didn't disappoint and who knew we could climb the monument and traipse around on the collapsing roof too! have a macam friend who was excited about my visiting penshaw's and broke into indecipherable song when i told her. turns out there's a local legend about a worm which i shant bore you with, but it was cute and i love when places have a back story.

after penshaw's it was south bound and things got bit craycray hitting up beach after beach in a row because the weather was good! must've gone to 4 beaches (and this victorian park!) and seeing the sand dune and sand dancers before a curry at curry mile. should've taken the ferry but timing didn't work out. 

post curry it was more beaches, albeit north of the tyne so tynemouth, whitley bay and cullercoats. walked along the coast for a bit and it was so clear and still in the setting sun. check out the blue blue sky :)

and because a whole bunch of beaches weren't enough, had to nosey round the marina too and saw this weird boat moored with dodgy characters inside...

last day

this is slightly belated but i went with newfound friends to a pub near medsch after our first day of class. i'd just moved from singers and my alcohol tolerance was abysmal. struggled to finish half a pint and didn't have a taste for beer because it burned my tongue. oh ho, the fizz! too much! let's not even talk about anything stronger. in the (almost) five years that have elapsed, this has sadly changed. and i'd be the first to suggest heading to the pub in good times and bad. funny story - called for emergency pub meeting after the first day of third year when i very accidentally needlestuck the dean (for real). in my defence, his pinky was in the way on the rubber arm. no infection control issue, no datix, no reporting because it was a rubber arm but i was mortified that it was his first ever needlestick in over 20 years of practice :/ oh well! lived to tell the tale? or never really lived it down because my clinical group mates haven't let me forget. it's great though, if there were an award for most improved i'm sure i'd be in the running.

anyhoos it was nice to finish the last day of final year back at the same pub, this time having learnt to enjoy my alcohol and in a position to savour a pint of deuchar's :) couldn't believe that's five years done and just finals to go. and now finals have started it's just a couple of weeks to freeeeedom (and doctordom, i hope!)

snapchat

so the younglings got me onto snapchat recently and it's provided some much welcome distraction! although i fear i'm the irrelevant aunty who's all awkward on social media not quite knowing what to do / what's acceptable behaviour. how does one navigate this??? i get the unwritten insta rules (no more than a post a day, quality control, pick the best, don't over filter, don't be annoying with smug hashtags etc) and i think i've figured out fb. similar rules as insta but posting more than a photo at a time is acceptable? i'm not overly active on either, with more spiking than regular activity because honestly who takes it seriously anymore?! 

snapchat - i want to respond to things but it seems creepy to reply to stuff on other people's stories? like on fb or insta you'd see comments and it'd be public. or you can send stuff to just selected people... i use imessage for that cos it doesn't save to camera roll. the temporary nature of it appeals - but also frustrating when i read a chat but don't reply right away and when i want to reply i've forgotten what i was meant to respond to! the immediacy and urgency required is a bit too much for me. also, a chat with one of my friends hasn't wiped itself out. i'm not bothered but is it a bug? is it just her? why??? also i can't shake how snapchat was a dark corner for dirty deeds. i know i know (giving away my age with my prude-y auntiness) but i do like the video function and how it makes video taking and sharing easy! and i can download it to send to granny who's always interested in what i'm doing. the aspect throws me a little, suppose could always do it the other way round and have people turn their heads.

my inner el cheapo loves 3-5 happy hour when local oysters are £1 each. and paired with a crisp french white? that's one loss leader for the win.

sitting on a beach

one of my favourite consultants started his finals lecture series by telling us to stop studying and spend the rest of our time before finals on a beach. he's absolutely right but i can't with clear conscience take him literally, much as i agree and would love to. such is guilt management ;) but i do make a point to go to town every day, and do something fun. got a little flyer in the post about a new brazilian place that lured me there with a free capirinha. of course i fell into their trap and got more than a capirinha, but that's only to be expected. the lunch box of calamari rings on sweet potato fries was possibly two of my favourite things together, and i proceeded to drown it in hot sauce. i know, classy.  

first paper today (went well, yay!), more writtens next week then clinicals in early june. bring it :)

toon

figured it was high time i watched a football match. watched the finals at the london olympics 2012 and thought that was pretty good already but apparently my education isn't complete till i watch a proper game, on match day. the mister knows my threshold for danger and violence is embarrassingly low so he splurged on really good seats so i wouldn't get spooked by the crowds (thank you!). that said, he did laugh at me when during some taunting on the grounds i was all ready to about turn and run away. fight or flight, hey? and again when i entered the wrong set of turnstiles, not realising our tickets meant safety in a separate entrance. found the game lacklustre and not the most rivetting of 90+minutes but defo good experience. wouldn't hurry back!

to reward my patience (hah) we went to fenwick's and bought overpriced artisanal gin and i made g&ts. the last time i made him a g&t i ended up removing a good piece of my thumb with the mandolin (someone insisted on cukes with his hendricks...) that ended up with a 4h A&E wait followed by even more time in the minor injuries unit. never again.

boat ride

we'd a voucher from the belsfield for a boatride on the lake! had the choice of a 75min ride or 90min (different routes) and the mister chose the longer one. i don't have sea legs and occasionally get motion sick so the longer ride was a little risky. wondered if i was being punished for some misbehaviour unbeknownst to me! it was unseasonably warm after the horrid weather the day before and i almost regretted having my coat when we walked to the pier but once on the boat oh my it was a different story all together! windy! cold! yay for coat!

funny how the demograph changed so drastically. we were just about the only non-caucasian guests at the belsfield (ok so there was an indian family and four chinese tourists) but the boat ride was all indian and chinese tourists! nice ride across the lake with some commentary and then we got cold and went indoors where the mister made friends with the purser (are they still called pursers if it's on a boat?) and we'd crisps and hot chocolate and some ill-advised kent mint cake that was essentially a slice of sugar with peppermint oil :/

HG

had heard good things about HG and as we were already having dinner and breakfast at the belsfield, thought to venture out for lunch. to risk sounding really classist, it was rammed with posh southern types talking loudly, which didn't make for the most pleasant of dining experiences. didn't help that someone had latched the main door from the inside (???) so we were stuck on the stoop for a good five minutes in the hail as with frozen fingers i tried to find the contact number of the restaurant then the hotel (didn't work) and then when it did work was made to listen to the automated woman talk me through 27 (ok i exaggerate) options. no thank you. the best part was that this was in full view of some of the guests who conscientiously ignored us despite it being blatantly obvious that we were locked out. rang the door bell, rang the bell for night porter and only finally by chance a party was exiting the building and they'd to unlatch the door from the inside and kindly let us in. not fun! maybe funny in retrospect but not enough time has passed for me to see the humour. i've only just regained sensation in my extremities...

again not to sound like a complete spoilt brat (i am, the mister would be the first to acknowledge that he's frankenstein and i'm the monster) but wasn't blown away by the food. the experience was great. we were (eventually) met at the lobby and ushered to the lounge for aperitifs and petit fours, had time to look at the menu and place orders before moving on to the main dining. all very nice and civilised. had expected it to be more crowded but we were one of three pairs in the restaurant on a bank holiday sunday. hmm. corkage was £25 so we brought a bottle that my winemaker friend had gifted us on our wedding almost four (!!!) years ago. it was a lovely bottle and i'm so glad we finally opened it.

there was a parisienne waitress/somelier and a younger, less experienced french-accented waiter who seemed clumsy and kept dropping things. meal was punctuated by crashes every so often :/ parisienne waitress was wonderful, oozing french charm and sophistication. she complimented us on our english (!!!) and comp-ed the coffee, probably unrelated.

the food itself was so-so. mackerel in satay sauce might've appealed to some but it just made me crave proper satay. nothing mind-blowing, good solid food. modern british really doesn't appeal to me so hm i'm not the best judge.

mackerel with satay sauce and watermelon

ham hock

pork

beef cheek

the highlight was by far the wine from ming. he knows i'm partial to pinot noir and when he was working at flowers, they'd such a good year that employees were limited to six bottles each. and in the ming's wine pecking order, getting married bumped me up a few spaces and he kindly gifted us a bottle when we got married. been meaning to save it for a special occasion and hm almost-fourth wedding anniversary seemed like a good one :)

belsfield

i'm not the biggest fan of the lakes but its proximity (haha) means i've accidentally found myself there more often than one would think. went immediately post exams jan 2013 because we'd exams after christmas break and it wasn't really a holiday (only that i refused to be cheated of festive cheer so still had a nice holiday hehe). was also in the lakes a couple of times for wilderness medicine events, during the october junior doctor strike that didn't happen and now over the early may bank holiday weekend two weeks from finals, and maybe 36h before my surgical exam.

so i hoped this wouldn't bite me in the backside and live in fear of hedonism catching up with me. not wanting to jinx it but so far so good hehe. surgical exam cleared (woohoo!) and all raring to go for finals now. it was the last of six in course assessments we've had and we need to be wholly competent across four domains to progress to finals. for friends who've had a run of bad luck, this last one was pretty darn high stakes because a third strike in any one domain would mean failing the year before even sitting finals (!!!) which to me is more than a little unfair but hey, i don't make the rules. silly, nevertheless. 

the belsfield is a lovely grand hotel and recently undergone a massive refurb. prime location overlooking the lake with beautiful views all round, living up to the mental picture i had of the lakes. cute town of windermere and when the weather cooperated (day 2) we had some lovely scenery and boaty action on the lake!

the library is gorgeous settings for a spot of tea - all muted palate and brand new furniture.

bay windows at the brasserie, the more casual dining option

our suite was inviting and almost too big for two! but with the weather the way it was, i was refusing to budge.

sole custody eggs and joint custody fry-up at breakfast

we'd room with dinner and breakfast and found it incredibly good value for what we were paying. dinner was an elaborate five course in the well-appointed dining room, lovely grand setting with huge windows overlooking the lake etc. can't fault them! would defo recommend for a quick getaway and i only wish we'd time to have cream tea in the afternoon. well we did have time but i was sleepy and full from a 3h lunch so maybe on our next visit :)

weekend visit

had friends in town for the weekend and it started with bubbles on the train. love how despite the finals rush (sorry, i try not to talk too much about work on this blog but it does creep up now and then!) there's still time to take it easy, to check out and check in. it'd been a long week on trauma orthopedics and really enjoyed kicking back on the train journey with some bubbles. took the edge off the commute (i'm such a baby, it's hardly far!) and started the weekend on a good note.

A (above) checked into a fancy pants hotel while i made a beeline for bloomsbury and waited for girlfriends to arrive before doing thai in the 'hood. squid and their version of pad thai? count me in! not for purists but i was famished.

and because i'm a one-trick pony, i drag all my friends to regent's park and primrose hill. it's not a trip to london without them seeing my spiritual home heh. perfect weather for sauntering and because they didn't have plans, they humoured me. probably regretted the walk after haha but we got waylaid at a pub near by and what was meant to be a 9pm (ooh, fashionably late!) tapas reso was not kept.

undeterred, we went to eat*tokyo in soho instead which in retrospect was a better call because uh, just check out my massive oyako-don for £8.50 (!!!). call me cheap / greedy or both but it seriously does not get better than a mountain of eggy chickeny goodness bigger than my head.

swung by drink shop do near kings x the next day and had cake galore too!

cheater fish tacos

inadvertently found myself in a cooking rut comfort eating or relying on take out, both obviously doing wonders for the waistline ;) and felt like something exotic. not like tacos are very exotic but hey, beggars can't be choosers! stumbled upon what i'd initially written off as a deceptively easy recipe that was indeed simple (love when i'm wrong!) and got going. although making coleslaw was a feat. who'd have thunk one tiny cabbage would expand in the blender and i ended up with boxers of blitzed cabbage. so much so i was giving away coleslaw to friends in the neighbourhood! and the cilantro crema? sounds so fancy but absolute doozy. and because it was (already good) fish it became better with fish sauce aplenty!

party animal

have a dear friend in singers who first clued me into the joys of a roasted pig. the mister and i would traipse round to his bearing hawker centre goodies and a roast suckling pig to celebrate getting into medsch / his phD / numerous other life-changing achievements, and occasionally just because because being young and alive is reason enough for celebration, no? so it was kinda cool when our hosts took this a level up by slaughtering the fattened teenage (as opposed to suckling?) pig because there was lots more pig!!! and come on, how dramatic is watching it slow roast on a spit for hours and hours? delayed gratification at its best ;) also, i can sorta get why mark*zuck made a thing about only eating animals he'd slaughtered himself. not that i did any slaughtering but there's something less guilt-inducing about eating an animal that was born and bred in supreme comfort, treated really well during its (short) life and killed humanely. makes me want to avoid supermarket bought pork now and only have pork if it's from a farm shop and reared on site.

but this is quick evolving into a husbandry / responsible farming + consumption lecture so no! needless to say, piggy tasted amazing. roasted to perfection (our hosts are not new to this game, oh no...) and lechon as they taught us was customary for them. the skin was crispy, crunchy and chewy at the same time. they very kindly gave me the ear (!!!) which i enjoyed thoroughly and hm i don't think i can go back to duck*waffle pig ears in a bag after enjoying the real deal.