holding space

appreciate this is a relatively frivolous blog with happy clappy posts about london living, but it's a poor reflection of life in its technicolour glory. it's been a funny year with lots of sad news. thankful nothing too close to home, but it's been close to heart. and being thousands of miles away from our near and dear does render one helpless. embarrassingly, i've the florist on speed dial and have sent more 'cheer up' bouquets than celebratory ones of late. because, short of jumping on the next plane to singers, there's really nothing else to do. of course there's whatsapp and the other wonders of technology, but the last thing i'd want to do is impose on friends already going through a rough time. think people need space and should be allowed to engage on their terms, when they're ready. and whatsapp is brilliant for that. was reading this great article about holding space and it really resonated. 

without going into too much detail, and wanting to protect our friends' privacy, there have been some major losses (health, parents' health, marriage, parents, unborn babies, babies never conceived, jobs) and i've learnt how it's occasionally more kind not to ask after things because there's probably nothing more annoying than someone constantly badgering them. no one wants to be a curiosity, no one wants to constantly explain that they've still not conceived, or that they have but are cautiously optimistic this time round and aren't ready to talk about it yet. 

spent an entire day with a friend recently who shared she was in the process of trying to become a single mother this year. but she didn't bring it up when we next met (maybe there was nothing left to say?) and i didn't dare ask in case it wasn't going well. there's something very azn (sorry, hate to generalise) about people asking you to eat , sleep , not work so hard (or work harder). and people projecting their idiosyncracies onto you. it's kind of naggy and incredibly off-putting and i need to consciously stop myself every time i find myself lapsing into auntie-mode. no doubt well-meant but surely there's a better way to express concern. 

so how does one go about supporting friends experiencing tough times? i'm still figuring that out and if you've a better idea, please tell me! after all, it's so individual and in a way harping on the issue (cancer / miscarriage / unemployment) isn't productive. i tend to do a general check-in, share my own challenges and let them guide the conversation i.e. we'll only talk about the issue if they bring it up first because maybe all they want is a break from the noise surrounding whatever it is they're facing. not saying to forget and most definitely not being dismissive of the massive emotional (and/or physical) trauma they've been through but time and place, really.