mull and car ferries

tried to get some walking in on mull and bumped into bird watching sorts who swore by the hide. however we got lazy and didn't quite make it to the hide before midges attacked / i got laughed at for being scared of the dark. but endless coastal walks and scenic spots to stop at to take in the views.

ended up stopping for cake and coffee more than walking, really.

and followed our noses to dinner on tobermory the first night

here is where it gets a bit jumbled. again, weren't organised enough to check ferry times and maybe should've because it was a circuitous route to the isle of skye, with needing to go back across to the most western part of the british isles then driving some distance before boarding another car ferry. the stars had to align but in a way it was also nice to leave when we wanted and just deal, really, with whatever the ferry schedule was. instead of being at its mercy. because, really, the worst that happens is 30min wait over more tea and cake at the port.

postcard from the ends of the earth

i've a family friend who doens't like to travel but collects postcards. i make it a point to send one when i'm on the go and this was no exception, especially because it was the westernmost part of the britain! sort of hollered "STOP THE CAR" when i spied a postbox and quickly scrawled one to mail for the presumably exotic postmark. unfortunately this also involved some unglamorous unpacking and fishing around my very messy bag in the boot of the car.

mull cheese shop and am birlin

this was a sweet little find and pretty darn hipster if i'm being absolutely honest. picked up some whiskey marmalade for the folks and was tempted to have cheese too but G sniffed and said it didn't look like it'd have passed a health inspection (i'm sure it did!) and not to risk it if the soft and hard cheeses had been co-mingling. pfft! the occupational hazard of traveling with medics. it was nice though because i often exhibit questionable judgment and found it comforting that someone else was thinking about all these categorical no nos for me. plus every time i needed to wee i was asked about urinary symptoms and if i'd a UTI (which involved more concern and "hmm we'll be passing a walk-in centre pretty soon but you're too systemically well to be in the throes of sepsis")

another find was am birlin which struck me as a gem that didn't seem to know how good it was. excellent food, simple but done so well and i licked the plate clean despite not being very hungry in the evenings. swordfish was one of the specials but the mercury in it put me off :( think that's a photo of my pigeon breast with lentils though!

isle of staffa

reached mull in the evening and followed an insider tip to take the ferry from (can'trememberwhere) instead of (obvious place) to staffa. travel buddy was keen to visit fingal's cave and that's all i'd heard about on the drive up. were too disorganised to actually check ferry timings but got very lucky and rocked up at the right time for the daily departure. phew. and unbeknownst to me, it was more than fingal's cave but PUFFINS on staffa too! have a soft spot for puffins and they're my absolute favourite bird. so it was a huge bonus to see them on this trip having not anticipated any puffin activity prior.

thankfully the sea was smooth and the 45min ride passed without incident. we'd about 90min on the island which i felt wasn't enough cos i just wanted to sit buried in the grass watching the puffins. there were also two ferries to the same island, albeit coming from different directions and some hilarity about 'what if we got onto the wrong one' which i wouldn't have put past either of us. this is the saeme friend who's left me at a restaurant along curry mile, returned to the car in case we hadn't locked it, and then promptly forgotten which restaurant i was waiting at.

the basalt columns looked really familiar and i was wondering why the locals (or UNESCO) had made such a big deal out of the giant's causeway near belfast cos big whoop, more of the same over here. until i learnt that this was the other end of the same causeway and it's nowhere else in the world haha. oops.

the view was pretty darn amazing and i would've skipped along the ridge had i felt more energetic.

can't get enough of them puffins!

sort of grad trip

if it can even be called that. hadn't been feeling well the whole month of finals and wasn't sure if i'd pass. was keen for escapism but uncertain about flying, much less going to an unfamiliar place and ending up in a&e. so a road trip was the sensible option and the poor friend i arm twisted into letting me gatecrash said roadtrip very kindly rang ahead and plotted all the walk-in centres and A&Es we'd pass en route. to say it was an epic drive is an understatement and i'm a pain to be with for extended periods of time. drove to oban via glasgow then took the ferry to mull where we'd two nights before another series of car ferries to skye. 

won't lie - was in a funny state of mind on the trip. strange mix of anger, frustration, fear (of failing) and my coping mechanisms are far from developed so escapism was the way to go. did feel better as the trip progressed, although again massive props to long suffering friend who'd to put up with my need for constant wee stops (must've fertilised half of the highlands), mandatory afternoon nap (would just fall asleep mid conversation and that would be the end of it) and general grumpiness at being hangry or motion / sea sick on top of sick sick. 

there was also the little issue of my visa that saw us stuck for over 3h at a not so nice part of glasgow. i was hypoglycaemic after not eating and they kept me in past closing because their computers weren't working .it was literally me and the cleaner left in almost complete darkness cos all the lights had gone off. phone was almost outta juice and friend had gone on a wander but dutifully back after under an hour in case i was done (fat hope) so it was just a really awkward 2h where i couldn't leave the building nor communicate. did get the visa at the end of it all but by which time it was too late to head home. ended up somewhere nice because, well, results were going to be out at 9am and i wanted to be in a position to celebrate, or drown my sorrows, whichever the case may be. 

kept waking up in the middle of the night and my study group whatsapp was pinging with our alternative careers should things not go according to plan. but at 9am, the 8 days of misery then distraction came to an end and i celebrated with jubilant facetimes to family from the lobby then glasses of grapefruit juice because i was too cheap to spring for champagne. 

have a photodump coming in the next few days so check back if you'd like to see more highland photos and travelogue.

first week down

pleased to report that my initial apprehension was misplaced. to risk tempting fate, dare i say i love my job. when we first found out in march (?), i had a mini freak out and was desperate to swap my first job because it's not a specialty i'm vaguely interested in. all that stopped me from doing so was this overwhelming sense of peace that surpassed all understanding, so i didn't. and boy am i glad i didn't because unbeknownst to me, this is the best possible job for what's currently unfolding in my life. remain immensely grateful for provision and protection, because so much is beyond my control and i couldn't have planned this better if i had been the sort to plan. 

on a fab team in a challenging and demanding unit but feel supported and understood in a way i hadn't expected. we hear all these first job horror stories and it's hard not to buy into the fear. for obvious reasons (information government, patient confidentiality etc) i'm going to have to be deliberately vague about where i am or what i'm doing but always happy to share more in person. needless to say, things are looking good :)

what does get my goat, however, is the negativity and presumption i'm faced with when speaking with acquaintances and this probably isn't the forum to vent irritation. but when someone asks how things are then answers their own question with "must be very tough" i wonder if they're trying to be understanding / patronising / condescending. if you already seem to know then why ask haha. but it's not and i try not to get my heckles up and go on the defensive. because everyone needs encouragement and i'm less inclined to want to talk to energy-sappers. maybe it is tough and i'm in denial and here i am lapsing into war stories but another bug bear is when doctors say lawyers have it easier. they don't. i've been both. and lawyers work harder and have more demands made of them. why else would i tap out to choose the dark side?!! again, presumption and hm i need to stop taking sides :P doctors don't bring their patients home, it's lawyers who're on call 24/7 with blackberries. doctors know their rotas, have visibility re: being on call etc. lawyer's have fixed periods they know they're going to be busy over, but at any given moment, things can hit the fan and it's all hands on the deck without any warning. evidently didn't last long in commercial litigation myself but had dinner at home max four times in six months, and was in to the office for at least a day every weekend. so no, smug registrar who told me lawyers got off easily, no they don't and i've nothing but respect for the profession and their work ethic. 

as a not-so-funny aside: even today, on the rare occasion an email from my former boss pings in my inbox, my heart skips a beat (in the most adrenaline-driven, unromantic way) even though i know it can't be work-related!

pre-empting the need for hibernation this weekend, had gone easy on the social calendar this week but turns out i didn't have to and ended up going out with friends after work almost every night! which was great :) didn't anticipate having the energy to do anything else but wahey :)

checked out a new salad bar in the 'hood on wednesday with darling M who just turned 30.

 

had a fab south african style bbq at friends' beautiful mews house on thursday with newlyweds whose joburg wedding i had to pass on in the midst of finals. gracious hosts JP & F need no introduction, having been in copenhagen with them in october then NYC in feb.

met newlyweds L & N whom i hadn't seen since our first wedding anniversary in london on friday for sticks&sushi at wimbledon

and then malaysian*supper club with D &co. last night. oh and dimsum for 11 (but 14 heartbeats hehe) at lunch time today! so, truly, it's been a bumper week of catch ups and being back in london after summer means seeing all the lovely folk who've reconvened in this little city we call home (for now).

as the dust settles

it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks, to say the least. went on a last minute road trip post-exams because eight days of rocking back and forth in a padded cell was more than i could subject my mental health to, went to glasgow (!!!) to get my visa sorted and found out the next morning that i'd passed finals. the shock, the relief, the overwhelming joy. then it was back to toon for grad ball, a 'crisis management' driving lesson and then my driving test bright and early the next morning. passed that too, and felt like a rockstar. yes, been driving since i was 18 but was lazy and got an automatic licence in sg so thought it high time i grew up and learnt how to drive manual. which i did. so there!

was in singers for a couple of weeks then back to london. parents came up for grad and it was busy busy, with a short trip to the country after. funny story there - father had said we were going to the cotswolds before realising it was a 3h drive from london. he made the executive decision that a 45min drive was sufficiently heroic and we ended up at cliveden*house near maidenhead. beautiful setting, set in the national trust so lots of lovely grounds and walks. didn't have the heart to tell him that we could've just stayed in london and slept at mine, seeing how we remained so close to the city.

parents left and i pottered around the flat before deciding i needed a final fling before starting work (tomorrow!) and escaped north as i'm wont to do. lazy weekend with 12h zz, good food and good company, the perfect end to this five year sabbatical.

so i start work tomorrow and am more than a little apprehensive today. the responsibility! this is my career we're talking about! i'm working again (gulp) but the other part of me is thinking that this is about time, that this end point / starting point is what i've been inching towards for the last five years. and now i'm finally here, i should really be more positive.

thoughts on finals

writing this on a rainy saturday morning at the end of easter break. exactly 2 months till my last exam. wanted to stop and take stock of medsch so far, of five years of my 20s that went by in the blink of an eye. thinking back to when i first romanced the idea of medicine as a second degree (while driving around tuscany with then manfriend / now mister on my grad trip) and realise how crazy it was to dive into another professional degree after finishing one. but really, the seed was maybe planted two years earlier when the mister was in belgium on exchange and i'd gone to visit him but got banished during his exams to dublin to stay with my cousin, who was then doing medicine as a graduate. meeting her and her engaging, articulate grad med friends who struck me as well-rounded and brimming with emotional depth make me think about the viability (and benefit!) of doing medicine in uni v2. so wanting something is really different from actually putting in the hard work to get it. and i'm constantly reminded of how good God is, from taking medsch entrance exams at the same time as my bar exam, to interviewing just before starting pupillage and to later find out mid-trial that i'd been accepted (and the defense soon capitulated, so it was mega wins all round!)

medsch itself has been a wonderful 'pause' button on life and its accompanying responsibilities in one's 20s. grateful for the time out, for what i joke is my 'five year sabbatical' before rejoining the workforce. have the horrible tendency to gloss over the bad (and why waste precious time and energy dwelling on the negative) but there were low points, like when the state of arrested development got to me (typically every birthday!) and my former colleagues were all climbing the legal practice ladder and becoming senior associates, junior partners and more laterly, partners!) and how my friends who'd gone straight into undergrad medicine were regs and soon-to-be consultants. or how many of the doctors who've been saddled with me in clinical years are younger than me but yay for azn looks and unless i'm wearing my wedding band, no one clocks that i'm maybe old enough to be their mother. 

feel the undergrad medical course could easily be telescoped into 3.5 years but is deliberately prolonged for extra tuition fees and to give the younglings time to grow up. after all, not many 21 year olds would be good doctors. i defo wouldn't trust my 21 year old self to be a doctor. wish i could've done the accelerator course but alas, non-EU = ineligible. in a way the 5 year course is relaxed, wayy too much time off and hm i got to do other stuff so no real complaints, apart from this desire to get on with it and maybe get going on a career. with the way things are looking in the UK (yuck) and their increasingly protectionist measures (latest: hiring scores of foreign doctors but not allowing UK trained foreign doctors like me to remain... uh, why???) i'm not sure where i'll end up. it depends on the mister, where the wind blows him for work, and ultimately what i want to do (still don't know! please don't ask me what i want to specialise in!) oscillate between wanting to be a hospital consultant and doing some uber niche medicolegal thing where the arena is less crowded and i won't waste 5 years of legal training. then another part of me wants to be an itinerant earth mother home-schooling my photogenic brood who moves home every few months (years?) oh my poor imaginary gypsy family! 

that's all far away, and for now the task at hand is plainly simple. revise, pass finals then re-assess. in a way the next two years are sorted (hellooo junior-doctor-dom in north*west*thames!) and if things go according to plan, i've accidentally got a break coming up pretty soon after starting work haha. at this point, i'm so near the finish line now it's time to stop being bored (attention span is way too short, can't sit still and study for more than half an hour, want to be on the internets or out and about!) give it one last push when i've never really pushed before. always felt we'd ample time and practice for exams then need to remind myself it's a course designed for undergraduates, for children unable to time-manage because i've a 6 year life headstart on most of them that comes with 6 more years of exam experience. then again, going from wonderful law exams (loved studying law, loved exams! such fun!) to re-training my brain to pick up all this science, and drug mechanisms and body systems etc. wish it were more a transferable skill but alas it's starting from scratch and creating a brand new schema. have gotten by on embarrassingly little so far, so much so i was a little too close to the wire but lived to tell the tale. only discovered textbooks this year (oh the shame, i blame over-reliance on excellent seniors' notes through lawsch) to which my father sniffed, "better late than never". he's great, constantly telling people in the lift "i'm amazed she's not failed yet". well, so am i! the whole intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation to study is a real struggle. should want to know more medicine so i'll be a good doctor and good for patients, but it's fear of failure that's driven me to work thus far!

my confidence took a beating earlier this year, a combination of meeting exacting consultants who didn't mince their words (and they were right!) and being overwhelmed by irrational finals fear. it all got too much and i ran away to NYC (trigger: anxiety / counter-productive coping mechanism: horriday) where i hung out with A who was a surgeon then realised it wasn't for her and went to oil&gas and is now a management consultant. and she's the loveliest creature ever and she talked sense into me, saying how she too was exhausted of having to explain why she's 'dr' (actually 'miss') to people because her life about-turn happened so many years ago, it's old news. she too faced the same confidence issue, where she used to be uber confident because she was a terrific surgeon but having to start at the bottom of a new industry, knowing nothing, really knocked her for six. and i realised that's how i felt too! which was encouraging because she promised that given time, i'd build confidence in this new arena and would be synergistic by the time i bridged newfound confidence with latent confidence. fingers crossed! still waiting for that to happen :)

whenever the finals anxiety hits, i try to remind myself it's a numbers game. that being older / more mature / responsible, fortunate not having to work part-time while studying already puts me at an advantage. so the game plan for now is head down and chip away at the mammoth mountain. to be systematic and efficient (because there's no time!) to study smart, to retain information, not to do conscience-assuaging revision where i re-read what i already know to massage my ego... part of me thinks there's plenty of time, having really only needed a couple of days before each preceding end-of-year exam. this will be a walk in the park, they want to pass me, right? cf membership exams where they want to fail me :/  

only two months to go, will be over in no time and then helloo grad trip #2! 

edit 16 june 2016: found out today that i passed finals. thank God.

bank holiday border crossing

in a perfect world, i'd live in scotland. can't explain my fascination with the place, or maybe i can. love being just a hop away from the border and almost never turn down an invitation north. there's something about the rugged landscape that just draws me in. i feel i could get lost but would still be safe, if that makes any sense at all. i like the blunt nature of the people, how what you see is what you get, no veneers. it's a directness and an honesty i've come to appreciate and i'm sad that i'll soon be too far south for a day trip. the walks are great, fish and chips at berwick always make my day and zooming through the country is my perfect panacea.

tapas

went to a little hidden spanish place with back garden with the mister a couple of years ago and it was rammed on saturday night. only just though to go back after one of the written papers. was feeling antisocial so settled into my table for one in the shade and had tapas. food wasn't great :/ then went for a long walk across the bridge just to see the quayside in the sunshine. told you i was pre-nostalgic!

manic day out

revision can get so boring and i'm usually bouncing off the walls wanting out. hadn't been to penshaw's and was starting to get pre-nostalgic. it didn't disappoint and who knew we could climb the monument and traipse around on the collapsing roof too! have a macam friend who was excited about my visiting penshaw's and broke into indecipherable song when i told her. turns out there's a local legend about a worm which i shant bore you with, but it was cute and i love when places have a back story.

after penshaw's it was south bound and things got bit craycray hitting up beach after beach in a row because the weather was good! must've gone to 4 beaches (and this victorian park!) and seeing the sand dune and sand dancers before a curry at curry mile. should've taken the ferry but timing didn't work out. 

post curry it was more beaches, albeit north of the tyne so tynemouth, whitley bay and cullercoats. walked along the coast for a bit and it was so clear and still in the setting sun. check out the blue blue sky :)

and because a whole bunch of beaches weren't enough, had to nosey round the marina too and saw this weird boat moored with dodgy characters inside...